Sometimes you really just need your mom.
While my sister knows all of the details and a couple of friends have snippets of insight, I have chosen not to tell my mom about my fertility troubles. While she suspects something is wrong, the way moms just kind-of-sort-of know everything about you without you having to tell them, she hasn’t directly asked me. I feel that I am married now and somehow should be able to handle my own affairs. I also feel that if I told her the whole story it would be just one more thing she would fret about. She is already stressed about my sister who has not found her Leading Man yet. She is stressed about her own lonely existence after the passing of our father eight years ago. And I think she frets about my little brother who, while having an excellent job in government, is not financially independent quite yet.
I flew down to visit her, my sister and my brother this weekend. The topic of babies did not come up. But I was really wanting to tell her. My mom is a tough cookie. She has been through a lot and persevered with an elegance and grace that is second to none. I know if I shared this information with her she would make me feel better and say all the right things. I also know that she would then fixate on this issue and be sad. She may not tell me that she is sad. She will put up a strong front for me. But it will make her very unhappy. So I have decided not to share quite yet.
For selfish reasons I want to tell her more than ever and on several occasions over this weekend at home I almost did. But for her sake, I think I will spare her the details for now. I don’t know how much longer I can go without telling my mom. I think as I approach my first treatment, I am going to need her more than ever. Is it is selfish to burden her with my troubles when she has so many of her own? Perhaps. But she has handled far more difficult things in her life with grace and determination. More than ever I just need her to tell me it will all be okay. For now, that need will have to wait.